(No) Thanks for the Advice

We had a wonderful two weekends of Jazz Fest.  Henry had came the two full days with us and rocked out to B.B. King, Trombone Shorty, and the Black Keys, among several others.  But a really frustrating things happened this afternoon by the Acura stage.  We had just gotten back to our chairs and tarp after roaming the grounds, with Henry in the Ergo baby on Barry's back..  It has been an unseasonably cold Jazz fest, but today, the weather was beautiful.  I'd estimate high sixties, low seventies, but was quite windy.  Henry was dressed in a tank and shorts, and Barry and I also donned bare arms and legs.  I was 3/4 done with a frozen cafe au lait and was feeling pretty chilly, plus the sun occasionally was covered up by a few clouds.  I put on my sweatshirt and commented to my friend how it seemed colder all of a sudden.  She agreed, saying it seemed like the temp dropped a bit in the last ten minutes.

Very shortly after, a woman came up to me and said something along the lines of, "it's a good thing you have that sweatshirt.  Where's your baby's?"  Thinking she was being congenial, I laughed, saying, "oh, he's got one in our bag..."I trailed off because she walked away, pointing at me accusingly.  My eyes narrowed.  "Are you serious??"  The woman was totally worked up about my baby being cold.  My baby.

I felt a lot of things at that moment, none of them good.  I felt judged.  I felt guilty.  I also felt very insulted.  I protectively put my hand on Henry's back and legs.  He was warm to the touch.  He was fine snuggled against his dad's back.  Those that know can attest that the Ergo is quite cozy and warm.  Most of the time, I worry that Henry might be too hot in it -- I certainly feel too hot with him strapped to me sometimes.  Henry often likes to keep his arms tucked in, snuggled close, and he was that way at the time.  His bare legs were out, but his feet (the most important part, besides his head), were covered with socks and shoes.  Beyond all the physical signs, I know that my Henry is very expressive.  When he is unhappy or uncomfortable, he tells me.  He cries, whines, or flails around.  He was doing none of this.  He was tired.  He had skipped his nap and when we tried to put him down in his stroller before, he kicked and flailed and worked himself up.  As his mommy, I know that the best way to put my boy down is to wait until he's basically already sleeping.  That way there's no fight, no tantrum, just giving in and curling up.

Anyway, Henry appeared fine, and though sleepy, he wasn't quite ready to acquiesce.  So in the Ergo he stayed.  And the woman wasn't done.  She sat directly behind us and bitched to her friend.  Scolded me for not putting him down, not keeping him warm, not watching my child.  She informed me that she was watching him.  She would keep an eye on him since I wasn't.  I looked at my husband, and he told me to ignore her (in much more colorful language, because he is awesome).  Less than five minutes later, I looked at my Henry, and he was sleeping.  I told B, and we took him down and placed him in the stroller and covered him with a blanket.  He slept for almost two hours after that, and is sleeping soundly now in his crib.

This little episode bothered me in a lot of ways.  Most of all, I don't like how I allowed that woman to make me question my own judgment.  Barry and I have a very laid back parenting style, and of course, like any parent, I often wonder if I'm doing this, that, or the other thing right.  Are we too laid back?  What exactly does that mean?  I don't make all the right judgments all the time, but I firmly believe that our little guy is benefitting from our laid back ways.  For example, I don't hover.  I let Henry climb, explore, and topple everything, including himself, over.  I think that's why he's such a hardy little guy.  Sometimes he bites it - really bites it.  We're talking faceplants.  But B and I never rush to his side unless he's truly hurt himself, and I really think that's why he's such a tough little dude.  We also pride ourselves on taking Henry everywhere and not limiting our lifestyle because we have the kiddo.  We take the same vacations and go to the same festivals.  I'm proud of these things, and don't like feeling that I've done something wrong.  But did I have Henry out in too-cold weather improperly dressed?  Was I depriving him of sleep?  Was I not remediating these things because a snooty lady confronted me and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being right?

I'm 98% sure the answers are no, no, no.  I'm 98% confident in my choices and convictions.  But there's that pesky 2% of insecurity and self-doubt.   I don't think that will ever go away.  The only thing I am 100% sure of is that I don't need other people shaming me into taking care of my kid in a way that they see proper.  To that woman, and to those like her, sit the eff down.  Most of us moms are doing the best we can, and most certainly in our own ways, and for our own reasons.  Let us.  And mind your own damn business.